I can't get it right.. and make things worse..

I wish I wasn't hearing impaired.. cuz then I wouldn't be at the front of the class and then teachers wouldn't notice me as much..I think it gets me in trouble. I blurt answers out and never get it right.. and the teachers kind of chuckle..like shit. I feel like crap to begin with. I slept and took the phone off the hook today. Mom had left messages three times.. I tried to help her online..and made her lose a Very important comment page she had written she said: This page, page cannot be displayed. This page, page cannot be displayed, This page.. it was making me feel sick...I said I have to go.. and hung up the phone. I called her back and she asked, did you hang up on me? I said yes. She said she didn't talk to people who hang up on the person. I called her back and she said something -- I forget.. then I called her back and cried.. cuz she is the only person I talk to.. and she said to grow up.. and if I were my mother i would something I didn't hear.. and then she said it was really mean and immature..and she could try to understand that I am anxious.. and I said I never get things right I just mess up.. she said she was trying to work... and was being distracted by me.. and to stop making everything about me and the world does not only revolve around courtney.
Life sucks. I rather not be a part of it right now.. My parents wouldn't care quite frankly..
See ya.

that mortifying day still continued..

So, after that horrible morning yesterday of almost killing a pedestrian, I still cannot be quiet.. In the cafeteria..I crush crackers and say Okay, "die teachers, die faculty.." the three people around me started shrinking in their seats..and looked sooo embarrassed to be seen with me.. And said don't say that too loudly..well..one person did.. and then I drop my pepsi bottle on the floor..and it bounces in class.. I said sorry out loud..imagine if it was full.. and had the lid off..omg..I would have died right there..and then I see Karen's marks and go Oh, you suck --and I studied harder than you.. (It's not fair..) I can't compare myself to other people anymore..and just need to be quiet.... Oh, and then Karen's hat falls on the ground..and I put it on her head --in class... Today is a weird day.. I have my doctor's appt.. with skinny beautiful Dr. C --and then go for a bra fitting..I am going to miss not miss.. my gym all week, I guess...

not taking her life...

I knew I should not have gone to school today.. I can't believe what just happened and I will make sure it never happens again -- Here I am driving along -- and I almost kill someone.. There is killign yourself --then killing someone else --taking someone else's life away from them.. the look on her face.. she stopped and put her hands to her chest.. I saw it was a green light.. a truck was turning.. had that truck not made its turn..omg.. what am I going to do.. I didn't feel right mentally or physically today anyway...I am too scared and ashamed to tell my parents.. and ashamed of myself..I need to try and shake this one..thank god she is not even injured.. not even a scratch.. I would probably kill myself, even if she was scratched..Okay ..the day is beginning now..I hope she is alright..wherever you are ..I am praying for you...

where to go from here............

Today is Saturday --so I slept in. My father comes in from the grocery store and right away I grimace because I had not made him a list and he went ahead and bought the groceries --so it wasn't exactly what I ordered.. or would order..He asks me if I talked to Mom today --I said no. So he says he is going to go ahead and call her. Where is the phone? he says.. he doesn't look for it first.. Then he tells mom everything we did, including watching a movie and how it was pretty good.. Does she want to speak to me he asks.. so I get on the phone.. and mom says so life is going on without me. Dad just called to tell me this. How is that supposed to make me feel.. He is all happy.. If he is all happy then he shouldn't come up to the cottage -let him stay there. But then you wouldn't have a driver. I said I could take the train. She says what about your cat? I said I will take him on the train with me. She says you can't do that... She says she thought it was me on the phone and picks it up and it is him and she feels like crap anyway --she doesn't need him going on like that. I talked about Dad while he was in the room --he got so mad. He slammed down the phone. I told mom he was all mad and he said I am not mad and stormed out of the room --it was scary... we didn't really talk the rest of the day .. His tempers are so bad..She says I need to get out of there.. Bu tI don't really want to go to the cottage either.. Mom will really be strict because I am supposed to be out working and 25..and all that.. I don't want that.. I want to avoid it.. but I don't want to live at home with dad either.. he is so big and grumpy.. and noisy.. and in your face all the time.. aren't I a little old for him to say good night to me..he has to find what room I am in and say goodnight --no thanks.. Just leave me alone, please.. Of course I look up the train AND bus --and no animals allowed.. So there goes that idea.. I guess if I really love my mom I would drive on the 401 myself.. I called her earlier today but knew she was gone to Kingston. Last night she called and said her face was burning --told me about Lynne and wedding.. I got all mad at Lynne and she said I don't need someone else to get in a tizzy now.. Well , those weren't her exact words --but that's what she meant.. Anyway.. so I blew it twice.. I don't really feel like talking to my mom anymore.. and won't look for jobs until I am all finished my "Professional Courses"...so all in all..still a couple of mistakes this weekend..And now I need someone to drive me to Pickering tomorrow..I mean I know I am supposed to be independent..but I hate the 401.. and would get in an accident.. when/where should I draw the line??! If I need him.. I will have to put up with his grumpiness and try to be civil.. and I totally forgot to remind him.. and now colleen's invites look nothing like mine..where did she get beige from --they are ivory.. and I don't really want to ask mom.. but I don't know what to do about changing the invites now..I haven't done my homework yet.. well some of it.. but I was supposed to get really ahead.. but I wanted to laze around.. and just want to sleep in, get up and go to this lady's house tomorrow.. Okay speaking of tomorrow..I better log off now..that's enough ranting for today.. fighting the fight? my ass.. see how my mood can change............................

Ugh!

I am somehow motivated to keep going and finish my work. My teacher knows I wasn't listening yesterday in class and now has rubbed it in my face and everyone else's face to see. There was an exercise and I couldn't find the record in OCLC. So I looked it up in the Library of Congress website. First I told her I looked it up in the LCSH name heading database when she asked me if it was a site or database - and I showed her. She stopped the class abruptly and then demonstrated to the class how I was wrong. There was no see reference beside it -- meaning it was not a valid subject heading. And it can't be subdivided geographically because there is a line - and she said that is what we learned today in class -- and I knew that. but somehow she sounded accusatory as if she was putting me down. "To clarify, you should be using the online Library of Congress authority files (names and subject) available through OCLC's Connexion for all the subject heading exercises assigned." and she posted this to everyone in the class.. omg.. and dad giving a lady the onceover at the restaurant -- it made me sick.. omg.. and then yelling at tme for screwing up the lock..and here I had to ask him for help in the end.. I feel so stupid a;ready and I don't need this people to make me feel even more stupid.. shit.. Okay.. I am logging off now..and leaving typos etc in..did one exercise.. three more to go...

25th Birthday...

Well.. 'tis the eve of my 25th.. what a party.. My "baby" bro took me out..and Erin.. they are two good souls.. I am sorry for ever saying anything bad about them..yeah, I should really call up Erin and work out.. Well.. I am 25.. never having a hint of a guy liking me.. so no babies, no marriage..I don't think in this lifetime I ever will..*sigh* Juno made me cry today- when I saw that baby..I am like ooh I want one.. But it is not realistic..nor will it ever be, really.. and miracles don't happen.. Well actually..that's not true.. cuz god gave me a little miracle kitty.. I am indulging in all I want this weekend..It'll be great to see mom and stuff..and just chill.. It was awkward when Dad arrived home at the exact point we were leaving.. but he would have been so out of place-- we wouldn't have been able to go see that movie.. or have asd many laughs.. it is soo true though.. It is true that antidepressants don't really help you.. so the poop is being flung at you left and right.. but I will try to stay clean... for now.. for a few hours.. maybe even a few days.. and will work out next week..and try really hard to pass the semester..I just saw bbs pop over on my bed.. I am ready to curl up with him.. without brushing my teeth etc,,

goodnight god..I am ready to start believing in you..
but I may be too tired to start "seeing" you..
love, c.
happy 25th c.
hoping for 10 more years at least for now -- i wanna see where I will go..

sunday january 13. 2008.

Tomorrow I have a quiz. I am not ready. I wish I could take a look at something and boom, it would instantly be in my brain. I wish I was graduating in June. I should have taken anoter course last summer. That is a true Courtneyism -- I never quite get things right.. Well, I think I will go to bed now and just get up earlier. I am going to be on time this week -- if not, I will be punished.. I need to devise a punishing system.. Hmmm.. Anyway, that's it for now.. bubye..